I have unfortunately become quite familiar with douche bags.
1. Dou-che-bag
Definition: Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole.
The usual douche is a self absorbed individual who would rather look at his biceps in the mirror than take you out for a nice sandwich. To know whether or not you a dealing with one, you need to understand the variety of douches out there as well as the level of douche he possesses. There are key elements that are essential when trying to find out whether or not your man is the real thing or a complete DOUCHE
The egocentric douche
- Spends his day at the gym
- Fist pumps
- Listens to Usher and actually enjoys it
- Will only date large chested blonds
- Wears Ed Hardy
- Has a popped collar
- Has a fake tan
 |
| Tanorexic |
The hockey player douche
- Usually has a shag and a baseball cap
- Has about 3 girlfriends at the same time
- Wears their sunglasses inside
- Has a girlfriend in every city they visit
- If you are one of those girlfriends, be sure to be the subject of conversation in the change room
- They most likely have an illegitimate child
 |
| Sorry Sydney. |
The douchiest doucher
- Brings you on a date and leaves with another girl
- Has an entire conversation with your chest
- Gives back handed compliments such as "what a nice dress, you look 20 pounds lighter"
- Gets drunk on the first date
- Has a long list of um.. references?
- Will talk about how hot [insert name] is, RIGHT in front of you
 |
| Resembles egocentric minus Ed Hardy |
The hidden douche
- Does not seem like a douche at first glance
- Is actually extremely nice in the beginning
- After you are hooked reveals his true douche colors
- Will break up with you but keep you around for his own purposes
- Will call you in the middle of the night ONLY
- Will NEVER let you see his phone simply because you are not the only girl he is texting
 |
| Don't be fooled. |
The "I'm broken" douche
- These douches are normally hipsters
- They wear denim outfits, ie.Canadian tuxedos
- Are usually very stylish and will most likely have more shoes than you
- Are either Vegetarian or Vegan, and only purchase organic products
- They will not discuss their feelings but will absolutely hurt yours
 |
| Beware. SO hard to resist. |
All in all, some are harder to spot than others and unfortunately, there are no douche radars available to the general public.
GOOD luck.
